Hm.

I'm leaving.

Soon.

It's just something I have to do.

Prescribed Pills.

Getting over someone is hard.

I'm having the worst time with it. He's not making it any better by calling me all the time. I've been dodging his phone calls all week because I don't feel like being told what a horrible person I am and that I don't deserve to live my life + at the same time being told that this person cares so much for me and needs to see me. Tidia is the only person that understands my situation. She's the only person that doesn't say, "Well, just talk to him." Why? Because she's the only person who knows what he has put me through. This whole thing is wearing me out, probably because him and I were good friends for a long time. The worst in your friends come out when you date them. No one is ever completely satisfied after a breakup. Sure they say they are "friends" with them... but after the relationship status is kicked out the door, you see yourself getting annoyed with this "friend" more than ever. I've dated friends before. Things were never the same afterwards. The only success I had with life after a relationship with is Dustin. Him and I carry on like we never even dated. We hang out more than we did when we dated. He is still one of my best friends. I adore him for that. For not letting things get fucked up after a relationship.

HoLoCaUSTfactORY: whats wrong w/ u

supp stephh: what are you talking about?

HoLoCaUSTfactORY: i dunno i tried to call u all week and ur not answering
supp stephh: hmm, i wonder why. maybe because i don't want to talk to you?

HoLoCaUSTfactORY: shut the fuck up

HoLoCaUSTfactORY: u wont even give me the cahnce to talk to u. i know i fucked up i know what i did iw ant things how they were before all the dumb shit happened
supp stephh: well, you should have thought about that before you decided to pull the shit that you pulled. as much as it may not seem, i am fucking delicate. you decided to dick around at the worst possible point in my life. my stress level is extremely high, and you are not making it any better. i offered you a step closer to friendship, but you're walking a fine line at that. i told you, i need some fucking time. just give me time so i can be myself again.

HoLoCaUSTfactORY: i understand but steph i just want to know that ur okay i care a lot about u. u know im sorry u know i regret everything ive done but u need to hear em out. i love u u are a great person and i dont ever want anything bad to happen to u. u are stil one of my best friends whether u want it that way or not ok? everything was fine until i kissed u on that fucking couch
supp stephh: ha. it didn't start then my dearest emmitt. we were even fine at that point. it started with your jealousy rages and you being so obsessive compulsive. you and i were bound to have a 2-way war. we are so much alike when it comes to mental issues, anger problems, family problems, and apparently people having crushes on us. we are both jealous people. and you handle things a lot more childish than i do. by the way, obviously you didn't care THAT much about me if you were willing to fuck my day up to that extent and not even apologize at the time. you're always thinking about yourself, what you want, you're pain... everything is about you, who cares what was going on with your own girlfriend... whatever... i don't know... you know i'm not a mentally stable person.

HoLoCaUSTfactORY: just fuckin hear me out will u?! i wnat this all to stop i just wnat u listen to me
supp stephh: again, it's all about you.

HoLoCaUSTfactORY: STOP!! i told u i was sorry

supp stephh: good, and i now i'm telling you goodbye. i am tired.

THAT is what makes things a lot harder for me. His shit. His shit that I can't deal with for much longer. That time wasn't as bad, but still. He knows I want space. We have discussed this countless times. Somehow, he still can't fathom it. He can't just paint the fucking picture on his blank canvas of a fucking brain. Rahh.

I hung out with Ti tonight. Thank GOD I have her sometimes. She understands so much. She knows me better than anyone does. She's been there with me through my best, my worst, and the very rock bottom. She's one person I can vent every bit of problem I have to and her just try to give the best guidance she can through it. She's very defensive of me if anyone questions who I am. I'm glad that I actually have a person who cares for me like that. She was there for me through the death of Shaun <3...>

Haven't you people ever heard of closing the GOD DAMN door?!

Hm. Uhh. Yeah! Thought I would let everyone know that things have turned around for me quite a bit, and it's making me happy. The littlest things have been brightening my day, even if it's a simple drive and seeing 19 motels (no! i didn't go in them!)


And I don't have to go to counseling with my brother for awhile.




I'm beginning to feel like myself again.

We're just a wet dream for the web zine.

I haven't updated in a long while.
A lot has happened since then.

I went into this deep sadness mode where I was seeing someone about it, because I had fallen back into an old habit. My grandmother caught me and basically forced me to go see Dr. Fran. Basically it was caused by a lot of things that were going on around me. My grandpop was sick, you all knew that. He died last week. I felt so lost and alone because he was my main man in life. I cried a lot the whole weekend, because of numerous things. I started sort of dating this guy Emmitt, which I told was going to be a mistake... but I can be stupid when it comes to guys, they know that, so they abuse it. I had a different like for him, but didn't want to make things totally official since both of our lives are pretty busy and we didn't have much time for eachother unless it was late after work or on a weekend. Apparently he didn't like this. He dropped me so quick that it almost seemed like our fling wasn't even real. He was calling me names, and then said he was just going to go out with this girl Ashley. This all happened on Saturday, it wasn't a good day for me since I spent the whole day in tears. That night I had locked myself in Erin's bathroom when he called me and I cried for 3 hours. The next day we were supposed to hang out and talk. It c onsisted of me laying on my bed, under a blanket, texting Tom, and him sitting on the bed watching the game. He was being mean to me, I got upset. Monday seemed like a new step for me. I started thinking a lot, basically trying to coach myself through this process. I told myself I wouldn't call Emmitt at all, and if he called... not answer, or answer the phone as pleasant as I can to show that I don't need him. He did call me on Monday, we talked for a minute... I haven't talked to him since Monday night. I haven't been doing much. I've been bugging Tom to hang out because he's the only person that hasn't been pissing me off lately. I feel sorry for him because all of my bottled abuse is going towards him. Haha/

s';dbs/lkdrbng

Right now is the hardest

I've cried in a long time.

I'm just not happy anymore. I can't fucking stand the skin I'm in or the life that surrounds me. I can't stand how I don't have any real solid friends. I can't stand that I like the person that I like. I can't stand that I'm so fucking stupid with certain things. I can't stand the way I look. I can't stand when people talk about me. I can't stand how I don't really have family. I can't stand the fact that I'm waiting for my grandfather to die. I can't stand my job. I can't stand any of this bullshit... anymore. I'm fed up. I can't fucking take it.

I would like to apologize.

To everyone.

I've been a hermit the past week, not talking to anyone really.

I haven't been answering my text messages or my phone.

Partly being I didn't find my phone until this morning.

(it was lost Thursday an Friday, it was found dead under my dresser?)

I just haven't been up to anything.

Apparently it's getting people mad.

So if you think I'm being an asshole to you in particular, I'm not. I haven't seen anyone really. I've been basically sitting in my room the past couple days doing nothing. I didn't go to work Thursday or Friday because I didn't feel like seeing anyone. I could have went out and done something, but I haven't. Actually, Thursday... I was really pissed off and a few things to the point of me throwing shit in my house. I rather not discuss that any further. Yesterday I was home all day. I heard my house phone ring around 3:30 pm, I just let the answering machine pick it up. It was Emmitt, "Stepphh, your phone's dead. If you're home, answer this because I would really really really like to see you today. STEPHHHH." Then I answered. So Emmitt came over for awhile. It was good to see that someone else existed in the world besides me. I was harrassed by a bunch of people to go to a show. My 4 best friends. Emmitt drug me there, which we only stayed for about 20 minutes because I wanted to go home. I saw too many people I knew. It was overwhelming considering I went from seeing no one at all for awhile to seeing about 30 people I knew in the span of 20 minutes.

I have work today.

I REALLY don't want to be there.

uhhh.

This is what Stephanie Jeanne Cutler looks like on a bad day.

Eww.

Glasses + Curly Hair + Sweat Suit = shit.

all time lows.

Wow. I haven't updated in awhile.

Well, today I find out that my grandfather has slipped in an acoma and that I don't really have anyone that can be here for me and just tell me that it's okay... when it really isn't. I just need some sort of support. That's what I get for being really needy and affectionate lately.


Lets recap my boring weekend, shall we?

Friday: Oh, it seemed so long ago. I was extra at work, so I went home. That made me happy. I came home to relax for a little bit. Emmitt had IMed me saying that he misses me and shit. We are basically banned from eachother because of Sunday/Monday. Mlah. Then I hung out with Ricky for awhile until he had to go to work. He was all upset because Kristen is dating someone else now, so he's all broken up. I hugged him, told him that he didn't need her, and tried my best to aid him through the situation. He had work, so we then departed. He gave me a hug and said, "I don't know what I would do without you." It feels good when I'm basically thanked for being a friend. ::shrug:: Pete came over, which was cool because I hadn't seen him since over the summer. We hung out with Ang for a little bit until she went to go drinking with a couple people. I wasn't up for it (as usual), so I came home and Tom called. Went down to Drexel to visit Doug, where I was half asleep the whole time. I hadn't slept much at all in the week, so it creeped up on me pretty quick Friday night. We went to Friendly's, then I came home. I fell right asleep.

Saturday: I slept really late, then went to work. It was okay. Same shit, different day. The usual retards not knowing what's going on, and me keeping to myself. After work I hung out with Erin and Evan for awhile. I had a lot of fun considering it was just the three of us. It snowed, and that made me happy for some reason. I usually hate the snow, but I don't have a car this year... so it didn't bother me. We carried on for awhile. I went home around 10 because again, I was tired.

Sunday: Work. Again. I hate Wood River. On the drive home, Emmitt had called me. Sneaking a phone call in while his mom was in the shower. He was telling me a bunch of crap, and wants me to visit him at his first day of Wawa working today. Bleh. Doubt I can. It would be nice to see him though. I just rather not like him as much as I did awhile before. Every time we get together it's like BAM. Erin had talked to him, she knows he still likes me as much as he did forever ago. I don't want to get hurt. I'm deathly scared of that. Well, I lounged around a lot most of the day. I got nominated to go up to Wood with Erin to visit Gary.::shrug:: Then hung out with Tom and Justin. Came home early, went to sleep.


Today, nothing. Not yet. Probably not ever.



Haha look at Ricky.

sweet sayonara, oh oh oh.

and now for something you'll really like.