s';dbs/lkdrbng

Right now is the hardest

I've cried in a long time.

I'm just not happy anymore. I can't fucking stand the skin I'm in or the life that surrounds me. I can't stand how I don't have any real solid friends. I can't stand that I like the person that I like. I can't stand that I'm so fucking stupid with certain things. I can't stand the way I look. I can't stand when people talk about me. I can't stand how I don't really have family. I can't stand the fact that I'm waiting for my grandfather to die. I can't stand my job. I can't stand any of this bullshit... anymore. I'm fed up. I can't fucking take it.

I would like to apologize.

To everyone.

I've been a hermit the past week, not talking to anyone really.

I haven't been answering my text messages or my phone.

Partly being I didn't find my phone until this morning.

(it was lost Thursday an Friday, it was found dead under my dresser?)

I just haven't been up to anything.

Apparently it's getting people mad.

So if you think I'm being an asshole to you in particular, I'm not. I haven't seen anyone really. I've been basically sitting in my room the past couple days doing nothing. I didn't go to work Thursday or Friday because I didn't feel like seeing anyone. I could have went out and done something, but I haven't. Actually, Thursday... I was really pissed off and a few things to the point of me throwing shit in my house. I rather not discuss that any further. Yesterday I was home all day. I heard my house phone ring around 3:30 pm, I just let the answering machine pick it up. It was Emmitt, "Stepphh, your phone's dead. If you're home, answer this because I would really really really like to see you today. STEPHHHH." Then I answered. So Emmitt came over for awhile. It was good to see that someone else existed in the world besides me. I was harrassed by a bunch of people to go to a show. My 4 best friends. Emmitt drug me there, which we only stayed for about 20 minutes because I wanted to go home. I saw too many people I knew. It was overwhelming considering I went from seeing no one at all for awhile to seeing about 30 people I knew in the span of 20 minutes.

I have work today.

I REALLY don't want to be there.

uhhh.

This is what Stephanie Jeanne Cutler looks like on a bad day.

Eww.

Glasses + Curly Hair + Sweat Suit = shit.

all time lows.

Wow. I haven't updated in awhile.

Well, today I find out that my grandfather has slipped in an acoma and that I don't really have anyone that can be here for me and just tell me that it's okay... when it really isn't. I just need some sort of support. That's what I get for being really needy and affectionate lately.


Lets recap my boring weekend, shall we?

Friday: Oh, it seemed so long ago. I was extra at work, so I went home. That made me happy. I came home to relax for a little bit. Emmitt had IMed me saying that he misses me and shit. We are basically banned from eachother because of Sunday/Monday. Mlah. Then I hung out with Ricky for awhile until he had to go to work. He was all upset because Kristen is dating someone else now, so he's all broken up. I hugged him, told him that he didn't need her, and tried my best to aid him through the situation. He had work, so we then departed. He gave me a hug and said, "I don't know what I would do without you." It feels good when I'm basically thanked for being a friend. ::shrug:: Pete came over, which was cool because I hadn't seen him since over the summer. We hung out with Ang for a little bit until she went to go drinking with a couple people. I wasn't up for it (as usual), so I came home and Tom called. Went down to Drexel to visit Doug, where I was half asleep the whole time. I hadn't slept much at all in the week, so it creeped up on me pretty quick Friday night. We went to Friendly's, then I came home. I fell right asleep.

Saturday: I slept really late, then went to work. It was okay. Same shit, different day. The usual retards not knowing what's going on, and me keeping to myself. After work I hung out with Erin and Evan for awhile. I had a lot of fun considering it was just the three of us. It snowed, and that made me happy for some reason. I usually hate the snow, but I don't have a car this year... so it didn't bother me. We carried on for awhile. I went home around 10 because again, I was tired.

Sunday: Work. Again. I hate Wood River. On the drive home, Emmitt had called me. Sneaking a phone call in while his mom was in the shower. He was telling me a bunch of crap, and wants me to visit him at his first day of Wawa working today. Bleh. Doubt I can. It would be nice to see him though. I just rather not like him as much as I did awhile before. Every time we get together it's like BAM. Erin had talked to him, she knows he still likes me as much as he did forever ago. I don't want to get hurt. I'm deathly scared of that. Well, I lounged around a lot most of the day. I got nominated to go up to Wood with Erin to visit Gary.::shrug:: Then hung out with Tom and Justin. Came home early, went to sleep.


Today, nothing. Not yet. Probably not ever.



Haha look at Ricky.

sweet sayonara, oh oh oh.

and now for something you'll really like.

DANCE TO THiS BEAT.

Is it too late to ask Santa for something?

Well... next Christmas, I want someone that will hug me

and tell me that everything will be okay.

Even if it really isn't.

I just want to know what it's like to feel secure.

Ohh, and the gay cowboy movie sucks.

What Happened?

Went for my MRI this morning, yes I was late. My grandmom didn't call until almost 7. She wasn't even home. I didn't know that she took my grandpop to the hospital at 3am because he had stopped breathing again. They are keeping him longer this time because he's getting bad. I really don't feel like losing using him yet. That's something I wouldn't be able to put up with.


Anywho, I went... did a punch of tests and what not. They found a small crack in my right cheekbone that nothing can be really done. I just have to wait it out. The doctor is putting me on a high dosage of calcium mediacation to help my bones get stronger since they break so easily. Part of it is the fact that I barely drink milk (I don't like it that much). Then she told me about how I have to try and lessen the amount of damage I take to my face because my cheekbones and shit are wearing down. I've been seeing Dr. Fran since I was 12. Haha. My first 3/4 breaks were due to non-relationship reasons. All hockey. Then when I started dating (around 14) is where physical abuse started. Jay was my first boyfriend, and the first to start the abuse trend. When we had broken up, he had taken my nose with him. Hah. I had some problems with him about 6 months after the break up where he basically mutulated by face every time... Dr. Fran suggested that I started seeing on a regular basis if I take any major blows to my body, especially my face; just to make sure everything checked out. I got smarter as I got older (and the more assholes I went through), I learned to get rid of abusive boyfriends quick. She basically told me not to wait for them to hit me. If there is any kind of anger or force that could rise up into a physical abuse state, I should dump the boyfriend as quickly as possible. Maybe I'll just stay single forever to solve this problem. I don't know why 95% of the guys that I have dated have hit me, or been psycho. There are 2 guys that I have dated that I dumped simply because I thought we were better as friends, and it worked out that way. It just gets me sometimes when I see people with their happy relationships. I don't know the feeling. I don't know the feeling of having a boyfriend and them being nice to me and not looking to abuse for an answer. I can't be that horrible of a person. I rule my looks out in this (even though I'm not the greatest thing to look at) because the guys I've dated have been quite decent looking. Mlahh. I don't really know what to do anymore.

I've been so utterly stressed out lately. It's so unlike me. The littlest things have set me off. I don't like when I snap at my family or my friends. Dislikes I had for some people have been even stronger lately. I've been working a lot more than usual, but I've about had it with Wood River. I feel like I'm not as close as I was with certain people before. I don't feel wanted by my friends, unless it's Ricky. He doesn't really have an option since we've known eachother for 16 years. Ever since some friends have gotten into controlling relationships, I haven't seen them; unless it's Brett. He doesn't give a shit about what Marie thinks. I don't feel like I have a solid friend to fall back on. I have no one to talk about my problems without sounding like I'm complaining. My whole life is a mess. I used to be able to smile and get on with things, but it's become really difficult lately.


After my MRI and that bullshit, I went and saw my Pop since he was staying at the same hospital. He looked horrible. I cried for the longest time. The doctor said he didn't know when my Pop would be allowed out, or even if he was even going to be released. I told my grandmom I couldn't stay there anymore. She ran me home real quick where I just sat in my room being upset for about an hour until Ricky called asking how things went. He heard the upset-choke in my voice, so he came over. We played Sega. ::shrug:: Nothing out of the ordinary. He stayed until I had to go to work.

Oh, work was the usual retards not knowing how to handle themselves. The only upside though that Kara didn't do a bad job for her first time hosting.


::SIGH::

oooh snap.

Ehh, late for my MRI because I'm eating cereal.Damnit. Haha.


I'm taking this whole situation quite well. Yesterday I was in one of my sassy moods, but still managed to enjoy myself. More later.

hm.

I can't.